We all try to be self sufficient in our relationships, not depend too much on our partners, our parents, our friends, our colleagues. We are continuously trying to
censor our expectations. We all don’t want to be “too much”, “too needy”, “too
clingy”.
We’re all trying to be "cool"
The truth is, we’re all craving that emotional connection with our partners. We all want to love and be loved. We want to know that our partner is there for us, that we can depend on them. But we are constantly told to be our own saviour, that depending on someone is a weakness, that emotions are messy. So we keep our true feelings locked
up, our needs hidden and sometimes we even deny ourselves the safety of knowing
we can depend on someone. We go on living in our relationships, afraid to connect, afraid to be vulnerable. And this is where most relationships fall apart.
Whenever we’re dealing with couples in therapy, we often find people expressing how they want to be noticed, to be cared for by their partners. Both men and women alike.
But in relationships what they end up telling each other is I need you only as much as you need me, Just to stay in control, to avoid being more vulnerable than the other.
We often say to our partners:
“I have done much more for you than You ever have for me”
“You never talk, I always have to force you to have a conversation about us”
“I seem to never get it right according to you so its better to just not talk about it at all”
What we all forget is, no matter how either partner is responding in the relationship, be it the more expressive one or the more reserved one, both, in their own ways, we all want to know only 3 basic things:
1. Can I reach you emotionally?
2. Will you respond to me if I am vulnerable with you?
3. Do you value me?
What we all are really looking for in our relationships, is effective dependence. To truly be able to depend on each other for support and safety. So start by asking these 3 questions in all your relationships and see how things change for you. All of us deserve to be heard, valued and supported.
Let's not confuse self sufficiency with disconnection. Let's make the right relationship goals. So go ahead and have this conversation with your partner and see how things change for you.