About two years ago, Srishti Sarawagi and her therapist, Ankita Khanna took a 30 day journey to bring messages of hope to the world. At the time, they didn't know it would turn out like this but today, it is their aspiration that the messages they learnt on their journey can continue to bring hope to you, in these unprecedented times. So here they are, telling you their story.
A bit about us!
Srishti: I am an art student, I like to create. I am moody and random. I love coffee and chocolate, new diaries, and rain and flowers and leaves and climbing on trees, and handwritten letters and sweet little gifts, and I get attached to shows and binge.
Ankita: I am a psychologist & arts based therapist at Children First, India. I am a child of the mountains, I love all things handmade and homegrown, and most of all- a good cup of coffee :)
Once upon a time...
Srishti: It was the last few months of my undergraduate course and I could hardly focus. I had recently gotten out of a relationship, was thinking to move out of the city for the first time...my psychologist, my support system was all going to change, my life was taking a huge turn and I was still at the anticipation stage, which seriously was much scarier than the turn itself. I remember talking to my therapist, Ankita, about it later- about how it was like being in a trapeze act with no awareness of what the next rod looks or feels like, but I just got to jump! That is to say- that the change was big for me.
Now it's not that I want to start off sad or anything but it is kind of important to the story, and why wouldn't it be? Isn't it when we are most shaken that we work the hardest to find a stable harbour? That's when, to deal with my flooding emotions, Ankita suggested that I help myself by making art. I am still not sure how she herself was feeling or what was going on in her life, which makes sense, because our relationship was that of a therapist and client, but looking back now, and even at the time, the project felt like something that helped us both.
"Isn't it when we are most shaken that we work the hardest to find a stable harbour? That's when, to deal with my flooding emotions, Ankita suggested that I help myself by making art." - Srishti
So what started as art, ended up turning into a whole book! We weren't planning to make a book; back then it was just supposed to be a 30-day collaborative project. How it would work was, one day I would write something that I had learned in my life, something I felt I would like to take away after our therapy conversations, and I’d send it to her. She would then make a small artwork with Sasha the mouse, and the flower of hope, based on how she interpreted what I wrote. The next day she would write and I would draw.
Through the 30 days, there were times when one of us would just not feel like writing or was too demotivated to write and the other one would push. There were times we both were not in a mood to write or draw too. I remember towards the end, one of the days Ankita felt like she had run out of ‘lessons she had learned’ and I was in a motivated spirit and gave her a few lines to ponder about and then write, like prompts, and I felt so useful.
"One thing I love about Ankita, be it in therapy or even in this project, is that she never attempts to act like she is all happy and jolly all the time, or that she knows all the answers. She lets the human in her be very clearly visible and it makes me so much more comfortable to be human too." -Srishti
It felt good to not be the one drawing each time, being an art student, it just seems obvious. It was important for me to write because one, I have always wanted to write and put things out in the world, and two, I felt great validation and acceptance by Ankita that I as a person am smart enough, that I have some intellect, and that I am loved enough by her to write a book with her. It feels amazing when a therapist treats you like an equal and Ankita always did. We were doing this project partly as a parting gift/ collaboration. I don’t know how many therapists know this but many times we, the patients, really want to be able to do something for you in return for all the help you give us, and to be able to do that even in the smallest ways makes us feel so important and worthy.
After the 30 days, I was so surprised and proud of us and I believe Ankita felt the same. In one of the sessions we had at that time, we decided that we would like to share the lessons with someone, anyone who would want to read them, and would benefit from them. We also spoke about how it had helped to remember only one lesson a day and not force ourselves to be able to remember everything every day, so we wanted to present it in the way we thought would be best and most authentic to our process, that is- 30 days, 30 pages.
"We hoped that a person going through a tough time could just use it to get by every day, as a reminder. I believe that the thoughts apply to most of us. It was something that helped me live through and what came out of it could help someone else and I just feel lucky to be a part of the creation." - Srishti
So coming back to the story, I shifted cities soon after the project finished and we had discussed and decided to publish it. We had a parting/going away therapy party kind of pleasant thing, Ankita gifted me a cup on which Sasha was hand-painted :) When I was busy moving and mostly exhausted emotionally and physically, Ankita being as supportive as she is, took responsibility for all the negotiations with the publishers and my engagement was minimal. She also spell-checked and corrected grammar in my content! :’) My father helped and paid for me. I am so thankful to both of them for that, I was having a hard time then and this support is what I could use.
The book finally came out in October, 2018. I remember when I got the envelope with my 'author's copy' and god I was so excited! I didn't even open it, just stared at it for so long and took pictures. My parents, Ankita, my psychiatrist Dr. Kavita Arora, received a copy before me and showed it to me on video calls and I could just not hold my excitement in. This was my first book ever, and till now the only published book too. I was really really happy! I had always wanted to publish my book and this was nothing like I had imagined my first book to be, and I don't think there could be a better way to have done it. I didn’t imagine my first book to be a collaboration with my lovely psychologist but it was, and it was beautiful. When I did open my book finally, I put the bookmark which says 'meri kitaab' I had been saving for about 6 years for my first book.
What this book means to us
Srishti: This book to me is, my first book out, my parting gift from my therapist, a beautiful surprise, a journey through a tough time, a creation to be proud of, a gift to anyone who reads it, a well-intended contribution to the reader’s mental health, a reminder to myself of the wisdom and strength within, and a source of pride for my family and friends.
Ankita: For me this book stands for a value I hold and cherish very close as a person and therapist both- that we are the experts in our own lives. We are often taught to believe that therapists or doctors are experts who can tell us what to do with our lives, but this book is testament to the fact that nobody can do this better than us. The wisdom that will eventually save our souls is based on our own lived experiences and if we only dig deep, we can find it. Therapy for me is a process of co-discovery of that lived wisdom, which is exactly the journey Srishti and I took with this book.
Thoughts on therapy in tough times
Srishti: I still go for therapy and here’s what I honestly think about it. I am not in favour of or against therapy but I know for a fact that it helps me. A huge part of the reason though, I believe is, that I trust the process and I want it to help me and I like the approach towards healing that it has. I like to dig deep and reflect and think and write down things. I like to connect my past and present and make goals for the future. I like to talk and spend an hour a week in a safe space where I am not scared of judgments and can feel however I want, while I slowly build one such space inside myself. I do believe that such a system can help people with their mental health but I also know that it is a slow process and it doesn’t work if you don’t want it to. I also think finding a compatible therapist is something one has to work on. But when you do find one, the rhythm syncs and the dance begins, it's a delightful routine.
Ankita: Far more than the approach or techniques used in therapy, for me therapy is all about the connect, the therapeutic relationship. Therapy is your space to be able to be whoever you wish to be, to be able to speak about whatever you want to, without the fear of judgement or censure. So I would urge people considering therapy for the first time to tune in to what feels right to them. One kind of therapy and therapist will not work for everyone. And only you can be the best judge of what you need or what will help at the time. I agree with Srishti- what is therapeutic for one person may be completely different from what helps another.
On finding hope
Srishti: Hope to me, is in a way trusting the (unknown) future to be better than the present. I am an atheist and if I had to put faith somewhere I would like to put it in me and us and our ability to make things, life, the world better. So when I say hope, I am speaking of my faith in humanity as well as myself and our capability to bring change for a better future. When I say, I hope I have a better day, I am not expecting it to happen magically or waiting for anyone to change anything, I am expecting myself (or someone else) to either bring the change or have the strength to deal with whatever comes. It is an empowering feeling for me.
Ankita: I believe we are very tiny specks in the universe. And hope for me is trusting in the grand design and abundance of that universe to take care of us, individually as well as collectively, no matter what. This trust is not about giving up on our own sense of agency, it is about taking those tiny steps in the direction of the life I want to build, trusting those steps will not be in vain.
Hope in the times of the pandemic
Srishti: I understand the pandemic to be a daily fight, quarantining at home or personally taking caution is difficult to deal with every day. But the book can help us manage through the day and remind us of the strength within. It is always scary to open up with anyone when it comes to the darkest, most painful, or most meaningful parts of ourselves. It is difficult to open up at all, let alone a stranger! I and many people, though, found more solace in sharing with someone who isn’t a part of our everyday life. You can use the distance that a psychologist has with your everyday life, in your favour. There is lesser judgment and you are safe. Share, so you don't have to face her at a random moment walking through your school corridor. Share, because you don’t have to fear that she will tell it to anyone else. Share, because you won’t feel like you are hurting someone when you do and you are not. Share, because there is very little to lose but a lot to gain if things work out. You have tried so many ways, might as well try this one, it’s little risk, a lot of hard work, but truly healing. I hope I am convincing you if you have been doubtful about it lately. Go for it! I hope you do, and I hope you stay hopeful about your life and your feelings. There are times when anything beyond the moment in pain is impossible to imagine, I hope you can remember that there is hope and you are capable of being very happy, satisfied, and content.
I am excited when someone joins therapy but it's your choice, don't feel pressured and do what feels right because it is about your health and your growth, no one knows you better than you, you know what works for you, so be mindful and thoughtful and wise when you make the choice. It’s okay if you get it wrong, you know better now, try again another way, for yourself. You matter! And don’t ever fear to take some help, it is strong and smart of you to ask it when you need it.
Ankita: I understand that the larger picture is hard to hold on to sometimes. Who we are and what we are doing on the planet are complex questions sometimes, especially when everyday feels like a struggle. On such days, it is the little things that count- the small steps, the one page of reading, that one conversation- that help us hold on to hope till the skies seem blue and cheery again. Which they will :)
Before we go…
Since we did this project mostly for ourselves, we haven’t publicised the book much and we decided we would like to make it freely available in pdf form. So don’t forget to download your free copy here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1V4giuCGImo670VOZkdicExkvk0GaYp8U/view
And hold on to it in times you need a little dose of hope! :D
You can check out their artwork on Instagram @artbyak47 and @semestacruinne
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